


It's In Your Head

by CarnivalofBrokenDolls (yourrhinestoneeyes)



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Drug Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Rape, PTSD, mental illness issues, post doomstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 20:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4849709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/CarnivalofBrokenDolls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toki has been living in fear ever since the events of Doomstar, he can't even find it in himself to fake being okay for his friends at this point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's In Your Head

He felt so sick and empty on the inside, was it normal to feel this way?

They told him it was normal to feel this way, it was normal to suffer deeply after so much mental, physical, and sexual trauma. Doctors were so clinical with their poking, their prodding, and analyzing him like he was less than a human being.

The pain in his stomach was intense, he clutched his hand against his stomach and cringed from the pain. A moment later and he was racing to the bathroom, he fell hard to his knees and proceeded to throw up into the toilet bowl. His body shook and tremored, with each wretch it made his back ache, it stretched the stitches on his midsection and his back stretch to the point they felt like they might tear. He moved his shaking left hand from the toilet to the long line on his front, he curled his fingers against the hot bumpy skin. He scratched chewed down fingernails against his scarred flesh, he could feel the metal of the staples in his skin.

His skin felt dirty, he could almost smell his own blood as it seeped from the wounds he was slowly but surely scratching open.

Toki pulled back from the toilet and rest with his back against the tub. The cool metal felt nice against his heated and sore skin; he looked down at his hand and the blood caking his nails and fingertips. A glance down at his body and he saw blood staining his skin, his wound stung.

His mind felt like it was on fire. No matter what he did he didn’t feel okay. He felt isolated because he continuously isolated himself, he felt sick from the drugs he took to try and forget those terrible things Magnus had done to him. Nothing worked, nothing made it any better. Nothing made him better, nothing made him normal again. He just wanted to be normal, be okay. 

He sat just looking down at the bleeding wound on his torso. He knew he should stop the bleeding, bandage it up again. He should clean it. He should clean himself in general. He was dirty, he felt grimy. It was like the dirt from his prison had never washed off no matter how hard he tried to make it go away.

With a lot of pushing and arguing with himself he pulled himself to his feet and filled the tub with water. Who knew simple things could take so much effort?

He rid himself of his jeans and stepped into the tub. The water felt hot, nearly stinging and he welcomed it. It felt like demon claws biting into his skin, making his wounds ache and burn more than they already were. He liked the feeling, the weight the water put on him. He still felt unclean though; he could feel all the places that Magnus had touched him, could recount every round of abuse. 

It wasn’t going to fade no matter how much he worked on it, it was just another series of horrid memories to join in with the others. Magnus might just have fucked him up more than his own father had, he didn’t know something like that were even possible. He hated that were possible.

He was so stupid, so fucking stupid for sharing so many things with him. He shouldn’t have, he shouldn’t have told him the things his father had done to him. He shouldn’t have told him his fear of the dark, his fear of being alone, and of small spaces. He should have just kept quiet. This was all his own fault. Just like it was his fault when his father would whip him.

His fault, he caused these things to happen.

He dug his fingers against his scalp and bit his bottom lip hard enough to break the skin.

He wanted to pretend to be okay. This was why he was avoiding his friends, he couldn’t fake it. He couldn’t fake being normal, he couldn’t help but flinch at every loud sound or fast movement. He couldn’t help it when he had lashed out at Skwisgaar for touching him.

For all those months that faded into a year, nearly two in all that time he had thought Magnus dying would make it better. It hadn’t, seeing him impaled hadn’t changed anything; he just felt pity for him. There had to have been a time that Magnus was a normal man, just another decent human on the face of the Earth, but then he’d changed. He was just a victim of society. It was the only way to explain why his death didn’t fix the way Toki felt.

The bath he was in wasn’t helping much either, the water was cooling down. He pushed himself completely under, eyes closed tight and only came up when the need to breathe became too strong to resist. He gasped for air and looked around the vast and empty bathroom, a second later he was back under. He repeated this until he realized he didn’t have enough control to keep himself under. The knowledge of this depressed him enough that he got out of the tub, he pulled his jeans back on and made his way to his bedroom.

Being home was strange, being in his own bedroom felt strange. Nothing felt all too real, it felt like it was just more delusions and dreams. He’d wake up again, he’d be back in that horrible dark small place with the collar around his throat. He waited every second of the day to wake up back there.

Toki just lay on his bed waiting, waiting until the waiting got too tedious. That was when he reached for the box hidden beneath his bed. The one with the syringes and the drugs Nathan would kick his ass over having. It felt nice to make something else hurt, the pain of the needle plunging into his arm, but it was followed by a overwhelming exhausting numbness with the drug was plunged into his veins.

It was so warming, so dreamily numbing. 

Not like it was real, nothing was real. He was still there, still back in that Hell hole and he would wake up. Magnus would kick him awake, would force him onto his stomach and hold a knife to his throat.

He waited with closed eyes. Just a little longer…

A door opened, but he was too stoned to hear it. The bed shifted with the weight of another person sitting down, but the thing that caught his attention was the feeling of hands on him. Despite how stoned out of his mind he was the feeling of being touched and swearing it was Magnus gave him enough strength and energy to hit at whoever was touching him.

“Toki stop, Toki it’s me.”

Exhaustion washed over him, he weakly pushed against the other man’s clothed chest. He managed to force his eyes open and look hazily up at the blond haired guitarist who was still holding him up by his shoulders. Skwisgaar had that look on his face that was a mixture of pissed off and scared. Toki found himself smiling lazy despite how sad and terrified he was. Last time he’d seen him they were in bed, the second Skwisgaar had put his hand down the front of his pants he had punched the older man. 

“What you doing here?” He asked lazily

“I haven’t seen you since you punched me and we were getting kind of worried.” He admitted

“I’m fine”

“No you’re not”

Toki laughed and shook his head, “Yeah you’re right, I’m not.” 

“Damn it Toki…”

“What?”

“Nothing….I was going to talk to you about what happened, but there’s obviously no fucking point to that right now.”

The younger man furrowed his brow in confusion, “Why?”

“I’m not talking to you while you’re stoned just so you cannot remember it later.”

Toki leaned against the older man resting his head against his chest. Skwisgaar cautiously placed one hand on the back of his head and the other on the middle of his back. The younger guitarist smiled and nuzzled against his friend.

“You can talk, I’ll listen”

“You’re scaring the hell out of me, I don’t know what you went through, but the way it fucked you up is scary.”

“I’m scared too”

Toki sighed softly when he felt fingers lovingly brush through his hair.

“Let us help you”

The brunette shook his head.

“Then least talk to me, Gods how bad was it?”

“Let’s not talk about that, please Skwis” Toki softly pleaded, he pulled back enough to look up at his friend.

Skwisgaar placed a hand against his cheek gently caressing his skin.

“You’re stubborn”

“So are you”

“Yeah I know, I love you….You know that, right?”

Toki nodded in agreement, “Yeah I know”

That’s why he couldn’t tell him, not because he thought it’d make the other man love him any less but because he knew how badly it would fucking kill him. He was already blaming himself from day one for what Magnus had done.

“Can you lay with me for a while?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I swear I won’t hit you this time.”

The older man gave a small attempt at a smile, enough to make Toki feel more comfortable.

There was a false sense of comfort and protection when he lay on his side with Skwisgaar lying behind him. Having scrawny pale arms wrapped around his waist and feeling the tickle of warm breath against the back of his neck kept him grounded in being home. He wasn’t going to wake up back in his prison, he wasn’t going to wake up to Magnus. If he managed to fall into a drug induced sleep and fall into more terrible night terrors he would wake up to a blond haired Swede he’d known since he was sixteen there to comfort him.


End file.
